Tuesday, October 31, 2006
I never do this but I smacked the butt of the bottle and it made that squish sound that glass bottles make as the fluid hits the cap end. That noise caused me to remember something. Not anything important but still, something.
When I was in Junior High our school had vending machines that sold juice. The bottles were short, squaty and had Styrofoam labels. If you peeled the label it would break off in horizontal strips. There was Grape, Orange and Apple. "Veryfine" was the brand. If you bent the cap a little after opening you can make a very loud clicker. The caps were sometimes hard to open so you had to smack the bottom of the bottle. Squish.
I have not thought about those bottles of juice in at least 17 years. remembering the bottles brings back memories of the vending machines that sold pencils, pens and notebooks. The pens came in a blue cardboard tube that was PERFECT for shooting spit balls.
It's weird how one sound can bring back those kooky memories.
The school that had those is the same school we shot "The Last Dance" in.
Monday, October 30, 2006
I also Hunt.
Here are some notes on yesterday's opening day.
I have exactly 5 rounds of ammunition at my house. I count them before I leave and I count them when I come back. I have had the same 5 rounds for probably 5 years. They might not even work any more. The only deer I'll be getting will be a very old one that may already be dying when I find him.
My daughter was given a gun lock by a game warden who visited her summer school class. I am in full support of gun locks and responsible gun ownership. However. I am in bigger support of remembering where I put stuff such as the keys to the gun lock. I had to cut the lock off with an angle grinder.
I'm never going to be able to skulk. I am not stealthy. I saw one deer during legal hunting hours. I saw him 2 seconds after he saw me. The big fluffy white tail on a deer is animal symbol for "Ha ha, kiss my ass, dope".
The last place I sat was on top of a small hill overlooking a well used trail. I sat and watched a red squirrel sit on a tree branch and eat some flora. He was quiet and I was glad for that. When I got up, I put my hand right down in some kind of creature shit. It was black, greasy and smelled awful. I think it was the squirrels.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Marcus slowly crept down the hall and headed towards his kitchen. He had heard the refrigerator door open and close. He had also clearly heard one of his mismatched dining room chairs slide across the floor. He was not alone. There was a stranger in his home. In his hands Marcus held the aluminum baseball bat his dad got him for his 10th birthday. It struck him odd that a gift given 20 years ago would still be paying off. In the 22 feet he traveled from his bed to the hall he had made the decision, he would hit whomever was in his house. He would aim the bat at the head of the intruder, swing and with any luck, split his skull wide open.
He reached the end of the hall and hugged the wall closely. Marcus tried to listen for whomever was in his kitchen. All he could hear was the pounding of his heart in his ears. “Ok”, he thought to himself, “This will be easy, you've seen it done a million times on T.V.”. Gripping the baseball bat tightly he screwed up the courage he believed he had. He counted in his mind.
“One”, he gripped the bat even tighter.
“Two”, he took a deep breath.
“Three”, an image of Danny Glover ran through his head.
Waaahhh, Marcus sprang into the kitchen with the power and fury of a mid level comic book hero and looked for his target. He looked to his left, his muscles tensed; no one there. To his right now, ready to attack; no one there either. It was immediately apparent there was no longer anyone there. The only combatant in the room was himself. All that appeared out of the ordinary to Marcus was that some of the contents of his refrigerator were on the table, and the back door swung freely and open. The intruder had left.
With the bat still clenched in his hands and adrenalin coursing through his veins he shakily made his way to the Table. If there was a crime, this was the scene. Marcus looked down at the table and this is what he saw.
Laid out on a small plate was what had once been a whole hot dog. The insides had been cored out, disemboweled with a potato peeler that was now neatly placed beside the plate. It lay there on the plate, next to a pile of its innards, staring at him. Staring. The frankfurter looked at him with dead black eyes. Black eyes he deduced that had been drawn on with a Sharpie he could now see resting to the side of the plate. He stepped closer and noticed that now, that not only was the hot dog starring but was also smiling. It had a sick, mad, happiness to it. The Sharpie had been used to not only decorate the hot dog but it also had been used to write a note, a note that Marcus now reached for. His hands shook with fear and anticipation as he picked up the note. He read the message to himself. Puzzled he looked back at the smiling, bored out hot dog. He read the note again, and once again. Still the hot dog smiled.
“Happy Hollow Weeny.”
Was all it said.
** I borrowed an idea from my Grandfather for this one**
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Voters this November have many important choices to make. National representative seats, governorships, as well as countless local and regional choices must be voted on. According to Chad Nule of Hell, Michigan the most important decision is proposition 6, commonly known as the “dead rights” amendment. The controversial citizen initiative would allow for equal rights across the board for all those who have slipped the surly bonds of earth.
“Up until now, the dead have been unfairly discriminated against” says Nule. “The dead are not allowed to own property, become married, adopt children or even have pets. In a country as great as ours why would we in 2006 still hold to these archaic social conditions?”
The amendment if passed, would treat the dead as equals to you and I. Unless you are gay. Those dying will no longer have to arrange for funerals, wills, or pay for increasing after death costs. The dead will be allowed to stay in their homes, go to work and school and live their lives as they see fit.
The amendment goes so far as to allow the living to marry the dead. Opponents to the issue are quick to point out the problem in this. Todd Eberson comments, “Uh, if the voters approve, any living person today could go to an existing cemetery, dig up a corpse, go to the nearest Justice of the Peace and get married. Those kinds of special rights are, well, just frigging messed up”
Chad rebuts, “This issue is not about the dead getting special rights. Thats just not the case. The amendment is about protecting the rights. We want to make sure everyone has the same rights after death as they had before death. If Joe Office Worker gets hit by a car today, why does he have to lose his job? It's not his fault he got killed.”
*The report went on further but I got thinking about it and puked up hot dogs
Sunday, October 22, 2006
For Sale - Hopes and Dreams
This is a SALVAGE sale with NO Guarantee! These items will be DOA it's up to you to fix or repair. The Hopes have been dashed and need a lot of work. The dream has been shattered but was a big dream and quite interesting when new. I will also throw in a broad vision that is still pretty clear. Remember these are broken or damaged hopes and dreams but if you've got ample desire you should have no problem putting them back together.
Will the guy who stole my car please bring it back. I need the bodies that are in the trunk. At least take them out before they start to stink. If I ever get the car back I don't want it stinking like dead old lady.
Dude who wants his old lady parts. My neighbor's dog got in the car and made a mess of the bodies, do you still want them or should I just dump them?
Want to make more money? Currently looking for suckers to give me money in trade for a pack of lies and some sketchy past expiration Herbal supplements. Previous bamboozlement not needed. Applicants with healthy ignorance and naive show preference. Make as much money as I want to!
Would the guy who told my fat neighbor she looked good in the Lycra bike shorts please rescind his comment. My dogs won't get off the porch to pee.
Information leading to the arrest and conviction of my Ex-Girlfriend. She must be guilty of something. Help a brother out.
Friday, October 20, 2006
10. Try hard, but not too hard. When your mamma talked me into lettin' you get some skoolin' I toll'd her yes, on account of his chores don't suffer.
9. I wonder if Barry Manilow knows that your teacher raids his wardrobe.
8. Remind me to explain what a "trial separation" is.
7. (if son's name is Ira) I just wanted you to know that you've always been my favorite. But don't tell Ira.
6. Try to maintain a C average buddy! I don't want to have to sell you to a research lab, like your other brother Jimmy. (or some other made-up name)
5. Your effort is for SHIT! You've got to win, WIN! I won't tolerate any LOSERS in this family!
4. Remember what I said? If you get straight A(s) Dad will let you smoke his pipe, after all, you earned it.
3. Your teacher is a real (C word) no wonder you come home all stressed out. P.S. Don't let her read this.
2. I taped a piece under the back of the toilet in the last stall down for you. The next time Bobby Hinton gives you a swirly, you give him 2 in that hat for his trouble.
1. Don't forget your pants again.
DISCLAIMER: In an effort to maintain the PG13 rating here at Plan 4, I would like to clarify, that the "C" word stands for "Collegegraduate", an insult used around my house to describe stupid people with a college degree. I also refer to them as the "B" word which stands for "Barista" since that is the occupation of many a C word.
A conversation insert I often use:
Other person: My daughter just got her masters degree in Art History.
Me: Which Starbucks is she working at?
Other person: Actually it's a Bruggers Bagel on Comm. Ave next to Barnes and Noble.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
I'm a big fan of questionable conversation inserts. I use them all the time. It's something that is said that is almost not meant to be heard. It's just weird enough to cause people to do a mental double take. Here is an example.
Someone says this,
Someone - Oh man, yeah, you'd do that and end up arrested.
Me – Uh, I can't have that again.
Someone - ...I just felt really uncomfortable you know?
Me – Yeah, like that time I got caught being to close to the school...
Someone – Ok, I'm going to go see Allen now.
Me – Don't tell him you saw me
Someone – I just picked up the new Bon Jovi CD
Me – I'm not allowed to...courts order.
On another note. I attended the annual “Open House” at my kids school. My brother in law and I have kids in the same class. While we were in the classroom we were instructed to take one of the supplied sheets of paper and write a little note to our child. It should be something nice the teacher said. “Your doing great, keep up the good work” etc. The words of wisdom would be read to them in class. Our minds went straight to these kinds of statements. Keep in mind the kids are 5.
“Yeah, well, you let me down again. Thanks...”
“I shouldn't expect much from you...”
“Your not trying hard enough...”
The caper I thought was this.
We are horrible dads.
Sometimes in life we say something we think will be interesting or funny to someone and it doesn't quite fly. I think I've developed a solution. Call it a “comedic parachute”. Here is how it works.
I tell say, D.B. Cooper a story about the time I backed into someones car at the mall. I think its funny but it gets kind of lost in translation. Before it's to late, I pull the “comedic parachute rip chord”.
Me - “So that's what happened when I backed into the car at the mall”
Me - “Uh, (here comes the parachute) ...Then I puked up hot dogs.”
DB - “OH GROSS MAN Ha Ha Ha”
See, I saved it by making the absurd image of me throwing up hot dogs chunks. Sure it possibly is a lie, but for the sake of the moment, its a good thing. This works for blog posts too. I think I might go back and take some of my old posts and spice them up a little with "...then I puked up hot dogs".
I like the hot dog puke because it's really happened to me. I have two true stories that end with “...then I puked up hot dogs.”
You can use “...then I puked up hot dogs” or you can make one of your own. For instance,
“...Then I sneezed and pissed my pants”
“...Then I burped and puked a little”
“...Then I sharted”
“...Then I bent over to pick something up and I split my pants”
Crrrap, someday when I have Plan 4 T-shirts wouldn't this look cool? "Plan 4...then I puked up hot dogs" I CLAIM IT!
More video soon, almost done with the one for NBC's video thing. I shot my entire comute to work today and I'm going to speed it up so it only takes 30 seconds to playback. Also working on Lockjaw Frasier and something else.
Overall, today's post isn't that good I guess...and then I puked up hot dogs.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Even as I walked down the street towards the T station I began to feel eyes starring at me. Did they know? Did they have some sense into the turmoil I faced before I left the house? Was that woman who was now starring at me; judging me because of my one poor choice?
I looked away from the woman's glare and glanced across the icy street only to catch the eyes of two men , one tall, one short, loading boxes into a delivery truck. I could tell, by the slight lift in his chin that the shorter of the men was about to shout at me. I already knew what the words would say. He would be pointing out my mistake, my lapse in judgment.
I looked away and braced myself but could not completely shut out his angry words. Through the cold morning air they shot like frosty daggers across the street and into my chilled ears.
“Hey ya jackass! Put on some friggin pants, nobody wants to see your frostbitten junk out he'ah”
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
I'm having a hard time finding anything to write about. I'm at the point where I have been tempted to write about people I work with. Good idea? No, It'll get me fired. Just let it be known that the reason I don't write about work or the people at work is that it will get me fired.
I'm also tempted to write about politics. Maine is having a Gubernatorial election this year. Let me just say this about the candidates. They are all equally uninteresting and uninspiring. None of them claim to want to do anything outstanding. They all speak with the same words, just in different order. Here's why I don't dig on politics. The people you'd like to see running for office are not the type of people to want power in the first place.
I think we should have the same governmental structure we have now, but I think we should fill all the slots with a lottery. Kind of a political draft. Picture this, you get a letter in the mail. “Congratulations, you've been chosen to be president. This offer not valid until signed. “
A computer could spit out the entire government in a few seconds. Someone sends off the letters and wham, a random sampling of every walk of life. Some with high school educations, some with no education, some completely devoid of all cognitive ability. I'm sure we would run into problems where people who were dead, family pets or prisoners would be selected. Of course people would get sick of it and half the government would go home because we have a lazy populace. Whatever, that stuff happens. It's a beautiful picture. One that makes me weep. Weep on ye political dreamer. Weep on.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Why is it sickness never makes you have enjoyable symptoms? You never hear anyone say, "I got a cold and whenever I cough I smell turkey cooking" or "I had a wicked headache but when it was gone my vision was corrected."
I'm sick and my stomach feels like some bored kid is inside of it and he's jabbing a sharp stick into the lining of my gut. He's just sitting there, he could leave and go do something else but he's just jabbing that stick. Friggin kid.
I was waiting for my stomach to act up. I've had nose grease draining down my throat for a week. Eventually the food hole says "nuh ah" to that much grossness.
Ok, I need to go do something else now.
*edit* 7:30 Turns out it wasn't a lazy kid poking me in the stomach wall, it was some bananna. I feel somewhat better now.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
1. The Last Dance. A short me and Todd did. It's ok. Count how many movies we ripped off.
2. The Crying Indian. A very well done spoof on the old Crying Indian PSA
3. The mouse. A plan 4 classic.
Here is a fourth. A nice documentary on where Mr. Vintage came from.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
For those of you who are calender aware you'll note that it is not Thursday but rather Wednesday. What a kick in the teeth that was. Now I feel more miserable and more sick. I hope I don't come up to an old building thats on fire with kids trapped in it. I don't think I could get Johnny out after the beam falls on him. Sorry Johnny your going to die. In the end, that's o.k. because you die anyway and Dally might no knock off that liquor store.
Oh boy, I can see I'm fading in and out of fiction / nonfiction here so I better go. I also have to put my ping pong ball helmet on, take my motorcycle and go find an Aspirin for Keith. Then Ron and Hermione and I need to go to Narnia, where the red fern grows, and pick up some dog bones for Sounder.
I wanted to save this file as wed/thur but could not because the slash made it look like it was a path to a directory. Ack, how did I not know it would do that? And man, I hate that when I copy and paste from OpenOffice.org into blogger it freaks out. If it does this time, I'm leaving it.
I feel like I'm kind of mailing it in today. I'm sick. I don't want to write. I'm a grown up and I can do what I want. Here is a generally boring post. Stop, no jokes about why that's no different than usual.
One of my favorite comedic techniques is something called "the omni and the caper" (at least that's what I heard on a DVD commentary)
Futurama is king of this. (also the commentary I heard it on)
Take for instance, the episode where Hermes gets demoted and steps onto the ledge to commit suicide. ("How Hermes requisitioned his groove" back Season 2 Episode 24)
He says he's going to jump
They crew yells NO, DON'T JUMP / It's not worth it etc.
Just as the crowd / omni exclamation is tailing off, Bender says
"Do a flip" for the caper.
The timing is brilliant .
I wish I could figure out how to accomplish it in writing. Or in real life.
*edit* How about that horrible formatting around the image? I love the squishy.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
I'm a big fan of things being used outside the intended purpose. I really love when it works and doesn't cause me harm.
I was sitting here at my desk and a wasp flew in. I quickly grabbed a can of 3M Dust remover and held it upside down, exactly like the can says not to. I knew about the freezing spray from prior dust remover expeditions. I let the wasp have it. I froze him like Han Solo, except this time there would be no droid to point out the obvious. Hey, no Jabba jokes!
Few minutes later I saw this guy hanging on my window screen.
By the way. It's Autumn and I could show you pretty foliage but I chose bugs instead.
Also, here is a good thing to do with a can of dust remover.
1. Insert air thing longer. (if you have one)
2. Get straw style coffee stirrer.
3. Tape end of said stirrer
4. Slide stirrer over end of thing longer
5. Shoot out eye of person in next cubicle.
I wanted to put up some pictures of the "Straw gun" but if you can't figure it out, you shouldn't be shooting stuff anyway.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Ok. The hold please was for me to step away from the keyboard and get punched in the face for using the word "bl*g*sph3r3" I hired this guy months ago to take a whack at me when I use it. Glad he's earning his keep finally.
On to Korea. I have a neighbor who has a very loud street bike. This neighbor likes to ride his street bike right when I want to go to sleep at night. He races it about a mile away and then races back. I think from the sounds of it, he's testing it. Well, his testing pisses me off. Up and down the street, that bike just blatting away. The one consolation is that I know he'll probably leave a bolt loose and injure himself on the bike. Same goes for North Korea. Someday, somebody is going to leave a spanner wrench in the nose cone and blamo. No more annoying neighbor. I guess its not exactly the same. But thank goodness he's no nuclear scientist.
Ok, on to Columbus day.
I hate Columbus day. What's the point?
Columbus was just doing his job. He was an explorer, he had that queens money and he did what he was supposed to do. Enough. It should be noted that he found a continent that already had people living on it. Ask them how that "Find" turned out for them.
I do my job every day and I do it moderately well. Where's my holiday? And why does Sears think that a Columbus Day sale is going to make me want to buy a new washer? Hey, when I want a new washer or some over priced electronics I'll come see you on my day .
We really should be celebrating somebody like Curt Schilling. I know, it was two years ago. Come on, his foot was bleeding. How many of us show up to work like that? None. Yes, yes, I know about the special woman time. Curt Shilling should be taught right along side of all those other important people.
What are we teaching our children when we lift up someone like Christopher Columbus and we give him his own special day? A better choice might be Captain Jean Luc Picard. That's another guy who deserves a day of his own. Man, he went above and beyond his day job that for sure.
How'd you like how I went a little off the deep end with the Picard reference? I went loopy with Curt but the Picard was just for that extra umph.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Internet gigantica Google is on the verge of consuming, with its all powerful jaws of search, overpriced internet hooker Youtube. Speaking anonymously, D Todd Eberso__ of Google INC. Said that the move was less about Youtube and more about the videos being done by Plan 4.
When it was pointed out to them that the Plan4 blog in fact already uses the Google owned Blogger service and most images used on the site were stolen via Google image search, Todd shrugged.
"Really?" he said. "It makes no difference. Now we will have them both in 'word' and 'video'. Google likes it both ways. All hail the mighty and powerful Google. "
If and when Google takes over Youtube will it make it suck as bad as Google Video?
"No comment. But, yeah, it probably will"
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Thursday, October 05, 2006
With the arrival of autumn comes another special time of the year.
A little known tradition among the "Non Cable Elite" is a special set of games. The semi annual Antenna Games! If you live in the sticks as I do, you depend on what's called an "Antenna" to receive what is called "Over the Air television". Its a magical process in which television signals are sent OVER THE AIR without cables of any kind! The problem is that it takes years of skill and practice to be able to catch and view these magical signals.
I myself enter into the "chuck the roof antenna into a tree" competition. I have an insane fear of heights so I don't want to go on the roof. Every fall, and sometimes when the Super Bowl is on a crappy station, I chuck the antenna as high up into a tree as I can. Then I live with the crappy reception for a few months until the wind blows it down and I do it all over again.
The second event I take part in is the "Antenna building speed" competition. In this even you start building an antenna contraption thirty minutes before the show you want to watch comes on. This year, I wired 8 feet of speaker wire onto a standard rabbit ear and Coax adapter just in time to catch the premier of "The Office".
Last nite was the premier of "Lost". For this event I only entered into the "speed tuning" competition. In that one, you get the station to come in as good as possible in the two minutes of commercials before the show. You have to be careful, one false move can render the reception useless.
*Edit* Well, the results are in and I'm proud to say I didn't screw up! I'm A WINNER!
OH, and yeah, last nights show was awesome.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
You walk into the dark room. You can smell a faint gas smell. You fear turning on the lights for fear of explosion. You're fear of the monsters that lurk in the dark is also weighing on your mind. What would father do?
What will you do?
Turn and leave, I think the gas is dangerous!
Turn on the lights I need to see what's in here!
Monday, October 02, 2006
In other tech news, I finally got Mandriva 2006 (Powerpack, I'm a card carrying club member) working at 95% on my laptop. I say 95 because there are a few things that are and will remain driverless. I've been running it for a while now but only recently did I undertake the task of getting PPP up and running. I was fortunate in that my modem was supported. That's the real problem with Linux to me. I'm sure people would use it more but as I've said a million times before, Average Joe Dialup needs his winmodem to work. The same can be said for Perky Patty Printsalot and Game addict Glen. I should point out that its not this way for lack of effort by the Linux community, the vendors could be stepping up a little more. Cough, my SD Card won't work, Cough, Toshiba, Cough.
Mandriva 2007 has added some cool stuff that may win some of these hessitant folks over. Mandriva now will be packaged with Cedega, a gaming engine / Windows emulator. Now you can play World of Warcrack on your Linux box and ensure that you will never meet a woman that doesn't have pixelated skin. Also included is LinDVD. You can read about some of the new Mandriva goodies here .
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Sat.03: Chad and Son of Chad do a lost spoof.
Sun.04: Chad's tribute to Steve "Crocidile Hunter" Irwin.
Mon.05: Man in Fire answers more fan mail.
Tue.06: Man appears but refuses to answer the mail. But the fire was especially big on this one, due to a good "air supply".
Wed.07: Chad gets nostalgic about "Better off Dead" and Mr. Vintage makes his very surly Plan 4 debut.
Thur.08: Chad gave an instant buzz phrase template. Virgin is the new whore, good one.
Fri.09: Chad measures the pros and cons of being a celebrity. Ever since the debut of the mouse movie, we've been on the Q list, nice, working our way up. Be sure to catch us next week, on the way down.
Sat.10: Chad discusses sailing and, well, math. What a friggin nerd.
Sun.11: August recap.
Mon.12: Todd's YouTube premiere. The one that started it all off. "The Stick"
Tue13: Another YT post from Todd of the great vacation prank hatched by Chad.
Wed.13: Mr. Vintage wastes NO time making his own YT video.
Thur.14: Chad and Mr. Vintage collaborate on a post.
Fri.15: Chad rants about Trailer city and poor customer service. Blog Post is the new Shooting Spree.
Sat.16: Chad discovers that Red Bull gives you, not only wings, but penis envy.
Sun.17: Reports of Man in fire's death are greatly exaggerated by Mr. Vintage in a YT post.
Mon.18: Chad fights to the finish, coz he eats his spinach.
Tue.19: Todd wonders how the Parker Bros. can live with themselves, after their years of carnage.
Wed.20: "LAST DANCE" After a long post-production period, the long awaited world premiere of Todd and Chad's first short feature. We had a location, a cast, even craft services, if you can call a bag of Funyuns and a bottle of Mountain Dew craft services. This was the defining moment for the month of September. we know that the movie is not going to win any awards unless they give awards for most homages (rip-offs) in a 7 minute short, but we are proud of it nonetheless.
Thur.21: Chad fans the flames of the E Coli scare. And takes a lame shot at Bush or Chavez, I'm not sure which.
Fri.22: The Crying Indian makes a return and appears in a YT post about the dangers of litter in our atmosphere.
Sat.23: Todd digs up some old relics from an old school "blog".
Sun.24: Chad reminds us about the Misfits of Science and how there really is nothing new under the sun.
Mon.25: Todd is "outed" by Mr. Vintage.
Tue.26: The one where Chad posts a picture of his album of Racist Ring tones.
Wed.27: Chad's confession of his ill-gotten calc watch and his intentions to make amends. Good on ya Chad!
Thur.28: Chad steals from Todd or Letterman, I'm not sure which.
Fri. 29: Todd got a new job, no post. Chad had soccer games to attend, no post. Mr. Vintage was three sheets to the wind, thank goodness, no post.
Sat.30: Todd ended the month with a little nostalgia about his Saturday
morning cartoon regimen from when he was a kid.
I had an appointment with my bank manager, and I explained to him that forgot how the jack-o-lantern came to be, and he chided me and said,"don't try and change the subject sir" and then he began to yell at me about my checking account constantly being overdrawn. He explained it to me this way, it seems I have been depositing in Celsius and spending in Farenheight.
I then had to go to my lawyer and while I was there I asked him about the pumpkin thing and he explained the whole thing to me in a really long drawn out explanation. He used a lot of big words and when it was all done, he charged me 300 bucks! I wrote him a check.
I then decided to try it first hand, you know, learn by doing. So I went to my local pumpkin patch. This is a weird concept too, I mean, I had to trudge out into this field, get dirty and sweaty, pick it out my self, pick it up myself, and lug it back to the farm stand myself and they charge ME 15 bucks! I wrote him a check too.
I get this thing home and I start to carve. First I cut a circular hole in the top then I look inside and see the goop and seeds I am supposed to now scoop out. That is about as far as I got, I would sooner perform a body cavity search on Larry the cable guy, then scoop this gunk out.
I have come to the realization that the jack-o-lantern is a creation of the pumpkin growers association to move more product. I mean, what else are you going to use a pumpkin for anyway. Pumpkin pie? Is there a more mediocre substance on the planet? Pumpkin pie is the synonym for mediocrity. It's a vehicle for nutmeg is what it is! Pumpkin pie is just an excuse to eat nutmeg and clove and cinnamon. The best pumpkin pie you ever ate wasn't that much better than the worst pumpkin pie you ever ate. Jack-o-lantern is just a tradition started by greedy corporate fat cats whose soul purpose in life is to line their pockets with my money! I'll beat them in the end, though. I'll pay by check.