Monday, July 31, 2006
Wow, what an unnecessary cock block.
What gives Riker? Riker always seems to get the ladies and then, when its time for poor lil'wes to find a friend he's all negative Nancy. It's bad enough Wes had to wear the same pajama uniform all the time. Wes had to go ask Warf for advice.
Ok, so then the scene comes up in 10 forward. Riker hits on Whoopi Goldberg to try and help Wes learn how to talk to women. Man that was ugly. I threw up a little in my mouth.
I just want to know, why did William put such a downer on the Wes man? In the end the Alien girl was a weird energy shape shifting being. I guess its possible that Riker knew something was up and that she was not the kind of space chick for Wes. If thats the case, Riker is still the man.
Another episode. Different subject matter. Season two, episode 15. Not a Wes thing in particular but when he goes to the geologist's workspace I noticed something about the room. It looked like a basement closet, near the boiler.
What a load that guy got. Imagine his surprise when he got his Star Fleet papers. Congratulations, your next assignment will be on board the flagship of Star Fleet. The most remarkable vessel ever created. A legend. A thing of wonder. The grand ship.
Oh but wait. Your workspace is way down back just below the uniform washing room. It'll take you thirty minutes to get there, even by turbo lift. It also is the spot Warf has chosen to do his nasty Klingon business. The floor is the outer skin of the ship. Don't worry though, in the event of a hull breach, you'll be the first to know. Wave at us as you float past the rest of the cool kids in 10 forward.
By the way. You must be some kind of jerk to sign up to Star Fleet to study rocks. I'm sure he probably regrets it. Come on, rock hounds don't get phazer action. When was the last time you saw a geologist added to the away team?
Sunday, July 30, 2006
USS Shermer a Constipation Class Starship. Where he resides with his wife, Fingercuffs an early model Honda Asimo.
View AskewDr. WhoSteve GuttenbergRobotics
Friday, July 28, 2006
I guess its important to believe the interviewer is from the UK.
We are joined today by Author Chad Nule. Chad is the author of the best selling book, “Henry Porter : The Boring American Kid” The story is set in the mid-west, Kansas to be exact, where the hero of the story, Henry, lives. Chad, Tell us a little about Henry.
Chad – Well, Henry's a good kid. He does fine in school but doesn't exceed in anything much. He has parents who love him and a decent aunt and uncle. He has a friend who lives next door and nobody really dislikes him. He collects baseball cards and plays Nintendo. He's goes to a public school and wears average clothes.
Is he magic?
Chad – No. If he was magic I would have told you that wouldn't I? It would seem like a pretty big attribute to skip over...
Well, with a name like “Henry Porter” I would have expected at least some connection to the similarly named best seller from the UK who we all have fallen deeply in love with.
Chad – Well, that's where you'd be wrong now isn't it? His name is Henry Porter. He doesn't wear glasses and he doesn't have an owl. He's a regular damn American kid. See, those Brits maybe unhappy with their own lives and feel the need to make up stuff like that but we don't.
So then, Henry Porter has no magical ability.
Chad – No. That's what I said, he doesn't have any magic. Henry plays video games and collects baseball cards. He's a regular kid, that's why people are buying the books. Henry will probably grow up into a fine man with a family and he'll work a half decent job at a paper distributing company. There's nothing wrong with that. No evil magician will be killing off the main character.
So there is an evil magician in the book?
Chad – No, not at all. The only evil in the book is that I don't get paid to do stupid interviews.
Tell me about the other characters in the book.
Chad – Well, Harry's best friend is named Mike.
And the girl?
Chad – There really isn't a girl. Oh, I see, your expecting a Hermione
So there is a Hermione!
Chad – NO! This is over. I'm not selling my book to you people. If you can't accept a book about reality than I have no desire to sell it to you.
Chad - This is crazy.
Chad's book is available at bookstores across America. It is not however available yet in the UK.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Whenever someone rolls out a new tech gadget or gaming system I almost always think back to one particular Christmas. The Christmas during which I received my Nintendo Power Glove.
I, along with a million other Nintendo players had seen it in the film "The Wizard". We played back and paused every frame. We scrutinized and supposed at what power and greatness the glove would hold. Could this be the tool for mastering the unwinable levels? Could I actually win at Contra without Up Up, Down Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Select, Start? Could I actually win at Ikari Warriors without A, B, B, A? Would it be the coolest thing since learning the “Justin Bailey” code? Would we become digital kings in an 8 bit world ? Was this the awesomest gadget EVER?
No. As it turns out it was a load. It was the suckiest suck that ever sucked.
The L framed sensors fell off the TV, you had to cut and split tendons to get your fingers to contort to the desired commands. One particular feature I had craved was slow motion. I knew it would be the answer to all my problems. As it turned out, all it did was send a rapid fire “Start” signal to pause and un-pause the game. I felt cheated. Forget trying play along side your buddy and his power glove. That never worked. The biggest suck? What fat little Nintendo playing jerk has the ability to hold his fat little hand straight out at a damn TV long enough to win at anything?
Some 17 years later I still have my Power Glove. After 17 years, the guilt of begging my parents to buy me the mostawesomest thing in the world still hangs over my head.
Oh what it almost was. My Nintendo Power Glove.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Tom, you've been in the news a lot lately and a lot has been said about you. Would you like to set the record straight on anything?
Cruz – Qué? No hablo inglés...
Ah, wow, I've heard your eccentric but I had no idea!
Tell me about your relationship with your new baby.
Cruz - Usted deseó hablar con mí sobre una entrevista?
Yes, yes, I'm sure it is spectacular
Cruz - Qué usted está hablando?
Ok, ah, I guess so. I really don't know what your saying.
Cruz - Realmente no sé lo que su refrán.
Before you go, can I get a photo with you?
Cruz - Estoy comenzando a sentirme incómodo...
Well Tom seemed to be in a hurry so I didn't get a picture with him. It was definitely an event to remember for me.
1. Lebanese children are using Tomato's as an explosive against the Israeli troops. When combined with laundry detergent they become a deadly produce of mass destruction.
2. A woman was in an elevator when three black men entered. The smallest black man said “Hit the floor lady” and she instinctively got on the floor of the elevator. Later she found her hotel room had been ransacked and a note was left. It said “Don't be a bigoted stereotyping fool” Signed. Mr. T.
3. You should boycott Campbell's soup! For years Campbell's soup has been alienating Christians by putting less noodles in its popular “Chicken Noodle Soup”. Just buy a can and see for yourself! They have also taken an anti-American stance and are using “communist” red on the soup labels.
4. I saw an elderly American the other day standing in front of a magazine rack. As he stood there scanning the various covers of all the filth and depravity I noticed a tear come to his eye. I couldn't help but wonder what was bothering him, although I thought I already knew. I approached him and put my arm around his shoulder. He looked at me from behind wet eyes and smiled. I just nodded my head and said, “I know, I know”. I'll never forget what I heard him say as I walked away. “All these magazines will be bought and the people who buy them could have gotten what they really needed from plan4.blogspot.com.” Signed, Andy Rooney and George Carlin.
Introducing , Petey the Repairman
So I was going to fix this Whirlpool stackable that was making this wicked stench. I figured this would be a sweat job as it was just downa Copley and I wasn't far from there anyway. So I go ovah. I figured this was like a sock or some other junk up in the belts and all I would have to do is just bang it outa there and be done with it.
When I get there the woman who called is all friggin hysterical and screaming some shit about space and swirling lights. I'm thinkin already this woman is a friggin hoopie you know?
Ok, so I got up and check out the stackable. It's just a standard Whirlpool but geez, when I open the dryer part its like lookin in a toilet full of used green death. It was just a spinning bunch of green shit and it looked about a million miles deep. I knew what it was o'course, this woman's dryer had opened up a hole in the space time continuem. I know about that junk because I seen it once before when I was fixing a Daystar washa downa southie that this lady kept putting dishes in but not getten em out.
Sure enough she had this same kinda space hole going on down they. Well there's not much I can do to repair the fabric of time, I just don't have the tools ya know? So I tell the woman, look call the boy's up a Havahd and tell em you got some science gahbidge they might want and maybe they'll give you some cash for it. So that was it. Then I went to Dunkie's.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Again, reads like an interview.
Once again we find ourselves in mid July and once again summer camps all across the country are bustling with activity. Campers, children from all walks of life are in the midst of creating memories that last a lifetime. Children in their tweens and teens are swimming, canoing, hiking and singing around the campfire. Unfortunately for some, summer camp is not an option. Whether it be due to lack of tuition money or lack of time, not all boys and girls get to go to summer camp. That is where Chad Nule and Todd Eberson are trying to make a difference . Chad and Todd have started “Virtual Camp USA”. I sat down with the duo to find out just what Virtual Camping was all about.
Gentlemen, explain Virtual Camping
Chad – Well, its like this. Some camps are in Maine, Some are in Pennsylvania and some are in Northern California. What one would you like to go to? Seriously, we can make that happen. For a low cost of 50 dollars we can create a virtual experience at any one of our over 200 virtual camps. You pick your camp, religious affiliation, the activities, your age, your friends, anything.
Todd - We're selling memories.
Chad – Well put my friend.
Todd – The real treat is in the level of detail. Our basic package includes the activities sheet, 3 letters home, a cabin photo with your child's head photoshopped in and a either a leather wrist band , sailors bracelet or boondoggle key chain. Oh, and a camp T-shirt.
Chad – From there the packages increase. We do different modules. We have bunkmate modules where your child gets letters from his or her new friend. Just like in real life we stop sending the letters after a couple weeks. A popular module is the camp girlfriend. You chose from either a blond, brunette or red head and you also get 4 love letters with that. Each describing the relationship.
Todd – It's all PG
Chad – Oh, yeah of course. Unless you sign up for one of our adult packages.
Chad – Yeah, well some adults never got to go to summer camp. We can facilitate a recreation of a camp experience from any year. If you want it to be a Meatballs type camp in 1982, that's its own module.
We call this one the “First time” package around the office.
And does this seem real to people.
Todd – Oh yeah, we get letters from clients daily praising the realism. Sometimes they find they want even more realism so they buy add on packages to fill in the blanks. Also in keeping with reality all customers know ahead of time that just like real life their child may get homesick and leave camp early
Chad – Yeah, sometimes thats the way life goes. They get half the stuff they ordered.
Todd – All in all people are very pleased with the service. So pleased that most customers order extra summers.
Chad – Quite often for themselves as well. I think my favorite job was creating a virtual camp romance for a couple that had been married for 25 years. They had always dreamed they would meet at a summer camp.
Todd – We made that happen for them.
Are you currently working on any special projects ?
Todd – All the projects are special, some however are more special than others. I think Chad would agree that the “Wheel Chair” Scenario we are working on right now is super.
Chad – Of course! This is a custom workup for a gentleman who wanted the experience of being wheelchair bound. Not only does he get the girl but he also wins the race against the opposing camp. At the end of his experience he is able to walk again.
Thanks you guys, this has been a real pleasure.
When Autumn rolls around and your looking back at summer with a little remorse and thinking to yourself “I could have done so much more”. Remember, you just might be able to go back and fit a few more weeks in.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
PODCAST THE FIRST!
Friday, July 21, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Lt. Chad's log
Star date 7.17.06
I took my shuttle craft to rendezvous with the USS PTL. I was disturbed by the nebulous fog that I
saw encountered all the way there. It went all the way from the Carmelo system through Hermite1 and finally Hamdecor. The instrumentation in the shuttle shows some kind of check engine engine anomaly I'll have to look into it later.
I was concerned when I arrived because Ensign Nick had the
company pickup truck shuttle craft parked in my spot.
I'm comfortably seated at the Com now for the duration of the flight. If I'm lucky, commander Riker won't pick me for an away team mission.
6:05 Lt. Chad's log – supplemental
This is going to be a Monday. I opened a storage unit to get a knife and a container of sodium chloride particles fell out and hit the microwave radiation unit. I know, I pulled a real "Wesley Crusher*" on that one. Needless to say the containers structural integrity was compromised and I had a NaCl containment leak. Thankfully Lt. Chuck has a
shop vac Space Vac here.
8:05 Chad's log supplemental
I was just talking to a Klingon freighter pilot and when he was leaving he said “Eshpok Togalth”
“What's that mean?” I asked.
“Have a good one” he says.
It's remarkable that even in what is almost an infinite space with countless life forms, the phrase “Have a good one” has made it all the way around.
The day wore on without much more for action. I was disappointed because I thought this would make a nice long entry. I guess, looking back it's a good illustration to show that not every day was an exciting day on the bridge of the Enterprise. Also, I got board faster than I thought I would.
* Please Mr. Wheaton, I didn't mean that personaly.
Look at me, I'm using Technorati tags.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
I'm not sure what other writers do to get the ideas flowing but I'm trying self punishment. If the funny won't come out on its own, I'll force it out.
Staples in the hand. Ah, this one gets saved for last.
Hockey puck burn.
I have a hockey puck in my office that I use for a paper weight. It's black, rubber and made in Czechoslovakia. I'm an avid Hockey fan but have not really been die hard since the Whalers left Hartford. I used to watch games on NESN. I'm actually a Bruins fan but there was something about watching a really horrible team that made me feel good. The plan is to rub it on my arm until it burns a writing idea out.
Here goes. Ok, I rubbed that puck until my left forearm until I got a spot that burned into a nice pink.
No awesome ideas for writing.
Forehead into object.
Here is a classic. Anyone who watched Sesame Street should have learned about this one as a kid. Remember that piano guy? He never could get his piano music the way he wanted it. Well, he taught us that banging his head on the keyboard would help. Here goes.
Mhj[uhggvgbvgb vgb vb mhj[mhjmhj[ugb
Idea # 4
Elastic wrist snap
Another classic. I'll place an elastic around my wrist and snap it until I write the big funny.
No funny. I did note that ten elastics makes for a good mix of snapping. You can do all at once or a rapid fire of elastic attack. The worst pain was getting my arm hairs caught in the rubber bands when I pulled them off.
Back to Idea #1.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The stapler is a Maroon Swingline 747 that I was left by a departing co worker. The stapler is nice although I wish it had a gloss finish rather than matte. Also, the Swingline emblem would be quite striking if it were gold finish. Ok, enough about the stapler. Lets see how it feels.
Gaaaack oh that sucked so bad.
I started by pushing one staple out half way. I then placed the partially pushed staple onto the meaty part between my left index finger and thumb. I pressed the stapler and eased the staple into the skin. I got it half way in before I had to stop. I now think that this was a wicked dumb idea.
Well, There you have it. I hurt myself to write and I didn't get much out of it.
Except this... If you only buy one office product this year, treat yourself to a nice Swingline 747 stapler.
Monday, July 17, 2006
So. Analyze that!
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Now with the release of "Superman Returns" I feel the need to speak out. Let's be honest with ourselves. Superman is an illegal immigrant as far as we know. Did Superman get a work visa or social security card? If so, what issue? I personally don't like that he's holding two identities while in OUR country. Does that mean he gets two votes?
Even if its in an unorganized territory his Fortress of Solitude has to be on taxable land. Is he paying his fair share? I doubt it! Did he even get building permits? Is it even up to code?
Come on people, here is a guy with two identities living in metropolis and paying no taxes there either because he's probably claiming The FOS as his primary residence. A residence I might add that is probably on federally owned land.
Are we going to let some alien make a shanty town in what may or may not be a wildlife preserve?
Lets be fair. Immigrants leaping over fences to come into the country are less of a problem than the one leaping over tall buildings.
Thats my opinion, I don't care about yours.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Just like Lister, Kryten, the Cat and Rimmer I check out these derelicts and look for stuff I can use. Again, just like Lister, Kryten, the Cat and Rimmer I sometimes run into things that are a little scary. Unlike Lister, Kryten the Cat and Rimmer what I find is not a virus that makes me wonky or an android bent on killing but rather files and folders full of stuff I don't want to see. First off, The number one thing I don't want to find is child pron. I can't say that I would use my powers for good and not just set out like a vigilante and personally destroy the life of the previous owner. It probably would end up in me losing my job. So far, I've never seen any.
Second on the list of things I don't want to see or find is Gay male pron. Second on the list is exactly what was loaded in copious amounts on an old dell I found. That machine will be going right back into the recycle pile. I don't even want to think what kinds of things that tower has been witness to. Ugh, I said tower.
Its always a little exciting when booting up an old machine. What kind of cool old apps are on there? What kind of story does this machine have to tell? Why is there a photo of many many navel cadets standing on the deck of a ship wearing only skimpy shorts? How fast can I get this machine out of my office?
Another thing to note here. Please destroy your hard drives before you throw them out. There are people who are less trustworthy than myself and will make quick work of your personal data. Smash the thing with a hammer. Dent it, crack it and mess it up. Leaving a PC at a transfer station or universal waste drop off spot does not mean that its in its final resting place!