Tuesday, June 27, 2006

The one where Chad solves pollution

I am surprised to find just how many people don't have a clue as to how the waste stream flows. We buy and throw. Sometimes we buy and throw and have a pang of guilt when we think about just how wasteful we are. After 9 years in the waste industry I think I've found some solutions I can share. I've planned and laid out a simple walk through guide that will make it clear to anyone, just what happens to the trash you throw away. At every step, twist, and bend in the stream I'll show you just how we can divert that waste so that it goes to a better destination. With a little effort we can cut the waste stream in half in just a few months. Millions of tons of waste can be put to good use. This is what I do for a living.
Since this is what I do for a living I don't want to talk about it. Sure I have the answers. Sure I could show you all kinds of cool pictures but I don't want to. I'd rather talk about how cool it would be to own a boat. Sure, I've got the answers, but I'm just one man. What can I do? Plus I don't get paid for knowing the answers. Now, Back to the boat I don't have.
I really want a boat big enough to sleep in. I'm thinking no less than 24'. I would rather have a 30' boat. It's got to be a sail boat with a diesel engine as well. I don't need anything super fast or sleek. I just need a boat with solid rigging and a roomy head. Why do I need a boat? Well, duh, so I can go out on it in the water and entertain dignitaries and movie stars. I'm sure a larger yacht would be better for entertaining but the dignitaries and movie stars I would associate with appreciate the quaintness. I also want to watch the 4th of July fireworks from a bay. For all of my non US readers, 4th of July is “Independence day” Yes, just like the movie title. Click, you got it.
Ok, So my boat. The only thing that keeps me from owning it is the money. See, my money is in someone else's bank account right now. I just don't know who and they don't know its mine. Man, if I had a nice boat like that I could call in to work sick and then go meet Todd for coffee. In New Bedford. (yes, I realize I could drive). The possibilities are endless. I can picture it now. Me and the family cruising up and down the coast on our sweet little sailboat.
I'd also settle for a motor home.

Wanted: Free sailboat or motor home. NO JUNK!

The one where Chad bills Steve Martin

Invoice #1001

Account Name : Steve Martin

Item: Viewing of “The Pink Panther”
Charges: -30.00
Previous balance +10.00 SNL (Best of Steve Martin)

Please remit 20.00 within 30 day's to avoid any hate charges.

Monday, June 26, 2006

The one where Chad creates a sound

I'm trying to figure out the best way to convey puke in type. I think I'm positive on a M or B sound as the beginning and a ph sound as the end.

Bluuahrph or Muuaahrph is where I'm at so far. I can't figure out how to stress the exasperation of air as the puke happens. uuaa is as close as I can get on that.

The one where Chad gets mad at words

I just want to make this quick. If you say "Have a good one" or are a frequent user of "Have a good one" you need to stop. When you say, "Have a good one" what your really saying is, "I'm no good at conversation but something tells me I should say one final thing." Some of you may not have heard "Have a good one" but I doubt it. Here is how it works.

Man 1 - "Ok, see you later Man 2"

Man 2 _ (waves) "Have a good one"

See, man 1 has now been forced back into the conversation. Now he is obligated (so he thinks ) to share the gesture of the "good one" whatever that may be.

Man 1 - "You too"

I suppose there really is no way out for Man 1. Its like playing the "I 8 the skunk" game. Man 1 will almost always have to re enter the conversation if a blessing is used. Something like, "Have a good day", "I hope your day goes well" or "I hope you don't get hit by a truck" demands a return blessing.

To get back to my main point, "Have a good one" is overused and annoying. It is a verbal scourge. And don't say, "Having fun yet?" either.

Next time on Plan 4, We'll see how saying "Hot enough for ya" or the "cold enough" variant can get you killed.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Fake News by Chad #5 (Interview transcript)

Shermer Illinois -

After last years successfully production of “Karate Kid, The musical”, Shermer High students are again undertaking their own musical production. This years musical adaptation promises to be equally exciting as returning director Chad Nule will be overseeing the first ever musical performance of “Nell”.

“Nell” if you will recall is the heartwarming story of a young woman who has been living on her own in the wooded back country of North Carolina. Being on her own with a crazy old gran she developed her own language and is unable to speak common English. Even more so than just being southern.

We spoke with Chad during a rehearsal. In the background I could hear an actor practicing the number entitled “Inna tray inna we'and”
“Inna tray inna we'and,
Inna bleanda ga bleanda,
Uganda Uganda...”

Chad, This is a dramatic story that poses difficulty's even for a seasoned professional actor or actress. What can we expect from these kids.

Well, I chose the story specifically for these kids. We've got some bright young talent in the system here but unfortunately its on the football field and not on the stage. With that in mind I chose a lead character that couldn't speak English and sub characters that try to learn her non English gibberish. Most of these kids hardly speak English as it is.”

How does that help?

“Well, honestly the audience isn't going to notice missed lines or flubs if the words are not intelligible to start with. We don't have any talented singers anyway so it really sounds more natural to hear Nell not be in tune or have proper pitch. Come on, she's an oddity, a freak, thats what the story is about. I think that the audience of Shermer will relate to the story because Nell is alone. She's in a godforsaken hole just like this town.

I've seen the film version of Nell and actress Jodie Foster was in many nude scenes that were integral to the the story line. How have you found ways around that?

“Yeah, well, that was hard. The first thing we tried was to have an actress play the part who was over 18 but that still ruffled some feathers. Finally we decided that since Jodie had the build of a boy we'd have a boy play the part. It's working out just great.”

So “Nell” is now a boy?

“Well, Nell is played by a boy but the character has remained a female. He wears a wig and a dress most of the time. Whatever, it works ya know?”

How was the publics reaction to this?
“I don't know, I didn't tell anyone yet. I know people won't like it thats for sure. I don't really care though you know? Last season when I told people we were going to do Karate Kid every body asked me, Why can't we just do 'Our Town'? I swear, every time people mentioned 'Our Town' I took one step closer to 'Crazy Town', You know what I mean? “Uh, oh geez....”
At this moment, Chad had to step away from the interview to work with the kids.

“Listen, take some liberties with the material but for goodness sake don't switch doobra dee with doobra gee, it makes you look like an amature, a stinking amature!
He returned and continued.

Though love from the director?
“Friggin idiot kids...”

Would you like to take a break?
No, I'm fine, just fine.”

Chad, with “Nell” not a traditional musical you must have had to come up with your own numbers and choreography.

“Yeah, the kids did that. I started writing the music but just got so sick of the kids whining and complaining. Pretty much what you'll find is the kids singing the lyrics to 50 cent and some Dashboard Confessional tunes. And yeah, its as bad as it sounds. But whatever, there happy I'm happy.

Any Ideas on what we can expect next year?
Yeah actually I'm working on a stage adaptation of 'Top Gun' I think the kids will enjoy. It's either that or a stage version of ABC's Lost.”

As we ended our interview, the practicing started again.

She can speak, “gunna ba golrdk”
She can speak, “gunna ba drludor”
She can speak, “gagala me nipora”
“Stop it, you moron, you idiot kid, its not nipora its noompora”
“I'm sorry I thought”
“You thought you'd what, make a fool of yourself ?”
“Do any of you even have a clue, huh?”
(smack) You shut your mouth..

Big productions in a small town. Thats the story here at Shermer High, Shermer, Illinois.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Fake news by Chad #4

In a shocking business move, Software mogul Bill Gates laid out plans for the immediate purchase and acquisition of the sun. While it has been long known that Gates has wanted to own the sun, it was doubted that he would pursue the purchase rights as the sun and its energy are still very much “open source”.
Some immediate problems arose when it was pointed out that with the sun not currently having an owner it would be hard for him to pay anybody for it. Gates was quick to point out that God owned it and God could take the money out of the bank whenever he wanted it.
The largest public concern is not whether or not we would have to pay a licensing fee but rather “What kind of security flaws would Microsoft create in it” Most experts agree that a Denial of Service attack would devistate the world.
While the paperwork for sale and transfer of ownership was being filed in Redmond, New York Lawyers were filing paperwork of their own. With Gates the new owner, he was now liable for the suns damage. D.T. Erickson of Middleboro, MA was already preparing a lawsuit for a sunburn he got. “Well, I had no idea it would burn me. There should be a warning label on that big yellow menace.” He was heard saying.
One class action suit involves 20 separate country's that have faced drought in the last 15 years.
Still another lawsuit by PETA blames the sun in the deaths of millions of innocent and harmless dinosaurs.