Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The one where Chad becomes a doctor

Chad's guide to avoiding the H5N1 form of Avian Influenza
These are proven and effective ways of doing stuff and things.

1. Avoid eating duck fecal material. Wild birds all over the world carry the virus in the intestines.
2. Avoid cock fights unless you properly clean and disinfect your cock.

3. Avoid open air markets where both large and small breasts are exposed all day.

4. I suspect a government conspiracy that starts with the Aflac duck. If your company has supplemental health insurance provided by Aflac, your in trouble. Same goes for Ben Affleck.

5. Don't let a duck hunting dog lick your face. They lick ducks and butts.

6. Don't let the greenie meat eaters fool you. Free range chickens can get the heeby jeeby virus too.

7. Don't go to China to get your chicken.

8. If you raise chickens, do not allow them to socialize with wild ducks and geese. Warn them about goosing and teach your chicks that there is no such thing as safe ducks.

9. Don't share needles with anything fowl.

10. Have a hatchet ready in case a community wide poultry slaughter becomes necessary.

11. Rob Cockerham is safe. And very very cool.

Stay tuned for the Hanta virus, SARS and Monkey pox updates.

Wow, I really went out of bounds with #2. I didn't have to go there but I did.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Fake News by Chad #3

Special guest Concept Engineer, Matt R.
Reads like a BBC radio story.

Recently, patrons at a Dutch Zoo were shocked when a Barbary Macaque was killed and eaten by some Sloth Bears. Zoo goers were left horrified. Except one man. Chad Nule.

“I'd say, 80 percent of the people who saw the killing were horrified and never wanted to see that again. However, 20 percent of the people looked on with amazement. I thought to myself. 'That's a niche market'.” “I went home and got my cousin Matt, some animals, fence and the rest is history.”
“The rest” Chad says , “Is the building and construction of the fastest growing zoo in North America. Fight Zoo.”

We spoke with Chad about this new zoo review.

What is Fight Zoo?
“Fight Zoo is a place for the 20 percent. The 20 percent who want to see animals do something rather than sit in a recreation of its natural habitat. These people want to see bears be bears and sharks be sharks. The catch is we put the bears and sharks together. We put a new twist on an old story.”

While at first it sounds shocking that a zoo would willingly allow expensive zoo animals to be killed by one another Chad informs us that a cost effective animal purchasing program has been implemented.
“We buy sick animals to start, and some over stocked animals. We rehab them some, mostly just enough to give them a fighting chance. The real rehab for these animals is when they get put in a pen with an 'opponamate'. For instance, We recently rescued a crocodile that had developed a form of reptilian skin cancer, he had months to live, at best. When we put him in the fighting habitat with 6 spitting cobras he really came alive. You could literally see the excitement in his eyes. We gave him a chance to act on his own instincts. We gave him a chance to really live. In fact, he did live for 6 more months".

And he passed away?
“Ah, No, he was killed by an orca.”

As Fight Zoo has become popular, it hasn't been without its opponents. Tell me Chad, what of those who claim Fight Zoo should be stopped.
“Well, PETA really didn't like us. They set up and protested as soon as we started. I didn't want to be like a normal target of PETA so I went down to talk with them. It ended up being a real eye opener for both sides. I told them we were only letting animals be animals but they insisted it was in humane. Inhumane? I asked, How can that be? They are not human! After I said that I heard one member of the group make an comment to one of his friends, 'Man is the real killer'. That really hit me hard. I admit, I had a change of heart. I invited the 14 members of Peta to come in and further the talks. We went straight to the boardroom and negotiated for the immediate release of 3 polar bears. The paperwork was signed and the bears were released into the board room.”

The bears were released into the board room?
“Yes, after I left. PETA wanted them so thats what I gave them. It goes without saying the bears killed and ate all the PETA people”

Chad, Tell me, whats in the future of Fight Zoo?
“Well, we've just signed a contract with FOX to start a reality show based on Fight Zoo. Its going to be just what people want. In fact, viewers will vote on what animals fight other animals.

What has your favorite fight been so far?
“Well, thats tough. One favorite would have to be the bull shark vs. the pack of coyotes.”

And the winner?
“It was a best two out of three with the shark having home territory advantage. The Coyotes won. The real sweetheart of a fighter was the Koala. We put 16 Koala's in with a Donkey as an opponimate. We never really expected any sort of fighting with this pairing but the Koala's were eating the donkey withing 3 minutes. It was fast and I'll admit, it made me a little sick.”

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The one where Chad just uses old material.

If life is life a movie script mine must be some kind of art film because I don't get it.
If life is a movie script mine must be some kind of bad porn. Its got no plot and no sex.
If life is like a movie I wish mine would be corporate funded.
If life is like a movie I hope mine isn't a documentary about cults and mass suicides.

I stood frozen in the snack section and starred at the gunman who was waving his weapon around madly. I feared for my life. Would this be how it ended, a spectator in a madmans game? Suzanne Vega's "Luca" came over the Muzak. "I really like this song" I said to myself. Without reason, I reached over and grabbed a Little Debbie fudge round. I slowly opened the plastic wrapper. The cellophane crackle attracted the attention of the gunman. Hey you! What do you think your doing? I put the snack cookie in my mouth and mumbled, "I'm going down with you".

Fake ads #1

This is another thing I do sometimes. Its a funny concept or idea that don't have time or know how to fit into a whole page.

Young upstart world leader seeks personal army. Our vision is to create a classic "sword and shield" army to use in an upcoming campaign. Applicants must meet the following requirements. Education is NOT preferred. 1st Degree Pitchfork required. Must be able to procure 1st degree Sword and shield in first 90 days. Prospective soldiers need to understand that you will be working long hours and face certain death. Pay to commensurate with plundering. Pike man, Bowman and Calvary positions also available.
Looking for a new career? How about classic soldiering?

FOR SALE: Potential.
Unused and in like new condition. Not once has it been lived up to! If your potential is very little or none at all, try mine! It's a large potential so you need to have a large "ambition". Buy it before the weekend and I'll throw in my "willingness" for free!

Man or Woman with money wanting to finance "Real life Movie" called, "Chad's life" It is a live action story about a man who works at a landfill in Central Maine. We see our hero struggle with the mysterious human race. Will he win out in the end? This film requires only 4,000,000 to finance for our estimated 60 year production run. Script is currently being written. There is a possibility of “A” list celebrities appearing if Chad gets invited to cool parties.

Personal Assistant. willing to come over and fix stuff around the house although not qualified. Willing to write checks and not fill in the little lines with the information. Will eat more food than I should. Will work on your vehicles and smash my fingers promising for fits and swearing. Will watch you cut fire wood. Will borrow your CD's and not return them. Qualified PM sleep and Licensed nocturnal rest tech level 10. . Can build rubber band balls. Qualified to play catch. Will get into bar fights as long as "Fight rules and regulations" have been clearly established. Will burn stuff in your backyard and shoot guns in local gravel pit. Will yell at T.V. if required. Wit is connected firmly to mouth. Available 7 days a week.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Fake news by Chad #2

Shocking news today from the global court system. In an apparent move towards cleaning house, Jesus Christ has filed a class action lawsuit against the church and anyone doing wrong “In the name of Jesus Christ”.

The case will be going back to situations and events from the last 2000 years. When asked just how long court proceedings would be, lawyers from the Kingdom said, “Roughly 70 times 7 but even thats figurative”. It should be expected that at least 40 judges will be used at any one time as the crimes are many. High profile judge Samson had this to say. “I wanted to be on the judging team but as a member of the Kingdom I really couldn't be impartial. Plus I was told I couldn't use my ass jaw gavel.”

What kinds of allegations are being made? Lawyers said first up would be the “Defamation of Character” issues followed by “Slander and Libel”.

The Pope praised the lawsuit saying “It was high time he came back and took what was his. We've been saying for years that things were not right.” The Vatican was promptly issued a “Subpoena duces tecum” and the gates were locked. It is expected that the wealth of the Vatican would be temporarily stored in North Africa in the stomaches of children as well as India, Asia, North America, South America, Europe and Russia. The pope mobile was freed as it was deemed not to have hurt Christianity and only served as humor for the rest of the world.

Jesus was not available for direct comment but a pastoral representative had this to say. “He's already given a written statement, read the book dummy!”

Lawyers representing the church and “those doing wrong 'In the name of Jesus Christ'” scoffed at the proceedings and asked, “What are you going to do, Judge everybody?”

Welcom to Plan4, See whats new! (this was old)

The one where Chad eats an MRE he found in the dump

I work long hours at a landfill. One day I found 5 MRE's (Meal Ready to Eat) They are the rations the US uses for its troops. They have a pretty long shelf life. I ate them. This was posted two weeks ago and I'm glad to say it all worked out fine. Oops, I guess that's a spoiler...

I found 5 MRE's in the dump. They are ten years old. I ate the Oatmeal cookie bar and I enjoyed it. It was very good.

Pretty gross huh? Probably not! If you only knew the dust and dirt that I breath in as well as the junk that's most likely on my hands you'd think that was grosser. The MRE's are really wrapped and sealed well. The MRE is sealed well. I ate tea oatmazx cooklllll.


I might go all the way with this... (ellipse)

I don't think I'll try the mixed fruit but I'm tempted to eat the Chili and Macaroni entree. From what I've read the flavor and nutritional value is what is affected by age. Followed by something about making one sick. 10 years is not uncommon for an MRE. Right? I read it on the internets so it must be true.

Ok, here goes

It's bland. I don't taste any poison. I kind of like it. I wish I had not eaten the desert first though. I think the accessory bag has Tabasco sauce. LETS SEE!

WOW Inside the accessory bag is sugar, coffee, salt, moist towelette, matches, non dairy creamer toilet paper (not enough for my needs), Gum and two Tootsie Rolls! The Tabasco sauce isn't red, its tan. That's not right. I'll try the salt.

Mmm, ten year old macaroni and chili. Its good for the soul. I finished it.

I'm looking hard at that package of BEVERAGE BASE POWDER ORANGE FLAVOR. What the heck? The hard part is over!

It mixes poorly. It tastes medicine. It kind of tastes like a new band aid. It goes out the window.

Moving quickly to the Tootsie roll. It tastes strange at first but its not white like old Christmas stocking seed candy. Once I got it chewed and gooey its taste leveled out. I ate both.

What's left. Crackers. I'm sure these are fine. But I've had them before and they are to dry without jelly. Jelly. Ok, I have jelly but it has a bad omen to it that I can't explain same for the mixed fruit. Cocoa powder. I'm sure this is ok too.

Well there you go. If this experiment does not work out. I'm sorry. Todd you can have the other MRE's.


I ate the crackers. The jelly did smell kind of fermenty. I got the MRE heater too so that means loud bang makers!


I chewed the gum. Mmmm, spearmint.


I'm putting the matches in the bathroom

The one where Chad picks a fight with a Carney

So. Yesterday after a great outing geocaching with the wife and kids we went to a conveniently located ATM to make a transaction. Within eyeshotrange of the ATM was one of those little side-of-the-road fly by night carnivals. It looked cool! Keep in mind we were 400 feet away, all we could see was the ferris wheel and the top of a bounce house.

Because we are super awesome parents we kept some cash and went on over. We first drove past and cased the joint. Crappy rides, some food vending, uh huh looked like a crappy little carnival just as we expected. I really wanted to be excited because the kids were excited. I really wanted it to be a fun place.

We parked and walked over. I bought 5 tickets from the ticket man. The ticket man wore a grubby polo shirt that said "______ Amusements" I wish I remembered the name. So we get the tickets and walk to the game booths.

Instantly we are berated by the filthy dirty no good depravity known as "The Carny" If your a carnival booth worker and you take offense to that, good. Go flirt with a townie. I oblige the dart guy and get a dollars worth of darts for the kids. "Every player wins" he says. I split the darts up among my three kids. Zoe went first and popped a balloon. Chase the lefty stepped up and tossed his dart. He popped one balloon. Ian took his turn popped a balloon. Three tosses, three kids Mr. Carny had to cough up three cheap stuffed animals for three kids. At this point I was feeling ok. I wasn't getting the "get away from this roadside entertainment travesty" feeling I normally get.

We headed over to the big inflatable slide and the kids handed the tickets over to a couple of 13 year old girls who looked very indifferent. I'll call them "talky" and "stick jabber" because one talked and the other jabbed a stick into the ground and made little holes.

Talky took the tickets and the kids climbed up the big slide. They came down the slide and had big smiles and really really liked it. I brought the shoes back over to them as I thought they most likely only got one turn down the slide. Talky said "They get two turns" I was elated as I felt I was going to get my moneys worth.

While the kids were making their way back to the top I was approached by a Carny who I think was on break. This guy was quite unappealing to look at. He was eating some kind of gross looking meat and chewing it with his yellow and green teeth. His face was covered in the same kind of sores you see on the "Faces of Meth" page. I don't want to judge but I am. This guy was a freak. I instantly had the fatherly "protect my young" instincts kicking in. My hackles were raised so to speak.

Carny "Those your kids"

Me (creeped out) "Yeah"

Carny "They got wrist bands?"

Me (remembering that ticket man didn't have those to offer) "No"

Carny "They got tickets?"

Me (Thinking "yeah you idiot") "Yes"

Carny "Two tickets each then"

Me "?"

Ginny "We already gave them our tickets"

Carney (to talky) "They already gave you them?"

Talky "Yeah, they already did"

Carney "Oh, OK then"

I couldn't let it go here. I was ripped. Who did this guy think I was? Did I fit the description of some kind of Carnival Caper that was pilfering free rides for his kids? Don't Judge me! Not only was he trying to get me to give more tickets but he wanted me to hand over more than what the ride called for.

Me (in a very stabby sarcastic way) "Hey...thanks for being concerned..."

I could not help but have the desire to shut this guys mouth up with my knuckles. Weird huh? So I was ready to get out of there at this point. The motorized riding contraptions looked very very unsafe and the Carney's were all just really starting to freak me out.

Picture a bunch of strung out 40 year olds leaning over the controls of a machine your kids want to get in. Meanwhile Guns and Roses "Dr. Feel good" is pumping out of a stereo somewhere and its driving me crazy mad.

Ginny made a good pothat'shen she called them gypsies because really thats what they were. A bunch of gypsies, tramps, and thieves...

Despite my dislike for the whole place I did buy a couple slabs of fried dough. The woman in the wagon was pleasant, all though I'm sure she had qualities I would hate if I stuck around long enough to talk to her.

I felt bad because the kids wanted to play some more of the games and get on the rides. The rest of the rides were two bucks a piece and were not anything you'd want to pay two bucks for. ( I had just two tickets left and the ride called for two. I wasn't going ot make a Solomonian decision to pick which child would try and cheat death to have fun) As a parent, how do you explain it to your kids that you were bailing on a fun little place after only five minutes because it was creepy and disgusting? In the end I told the kids next time we see a carnival to remind me and I'll give them ten bucks to spend at the dollar store.

It should be said that Carny's are not bad people. They are just deplorable. Thieving, lowlife bottomfeeding scum of the earth. If your a carney and want to rebut feel free to write it on your own blog when your not being so sick and disgusting.

"He's not just some guy, Marge. He's a Carny and part of a noble tradition.
Carnies built this country-the carnival part of it anyway -- and though
they may be rat-like in appearance, they are truly kings among men."
-- Homer Simpson on carnies

Fake news by Chad! #1 Red Hatters

It was a blur of red, purple and orange when a local chapter of “The Red Hat Society” allegedly attacked a group of Hare Krishna's while they were handing out leaflets in the Bangor International Airport. The women, sporting what some considered “red and purple gang colors”approached and surrounded the unwary men. Without word or provocation the women jumped the peaceful Krishna's with what one witness called “a can of middle aged whoop ass”.

Air port security did not immediately break up the fighting as they were unsure of what sorts of religions were represented in the fray and were wary of infringing on the rights of the individuals involved.
“I saw a woman in a red hat approach me.” Mumbled one Krishna “ I reached out to give her a pamphlet called 'Religious Soup' and all of the sudden she swung a purple handbag and smashed my jaw.”
In fact the broken jaw was only the beginning of the injures the non violent men would suffer. All together the “Life experienced women” broke eight fingers, fractured 1 skull, smashed three knee caps and inflicted untold scratches, cuts and bruises before the security guards were able to control the situation
Gladys Smith, the only woman carrying a purple bag claimed she was bringing her son a purse full of cement and thought the Krishna's were some kind of karate men who were attacking her.
Casandra Jenkins claimed it was “hot flashes” that drove her to beat one member of the Krishna's, 24 year old Bobby Sewall of Belfast, with a set of brass knuckles.
“Well, Hot flashes come and go” she said “It's very uncomfortable”
Bobby Sewall did not comment as he was rendered unconscious by a blow from Linda Allen's combat boots. Linda Allen claimed they were “Orthopedic Shoes” that she needed to wear to keep her feet from swelling.
This is not the first act of violence by the “Red Hat Society”. Just last month a group of red hatters stormed and ransacked a Scientologist church and one week before attendants at a Masonic Temple “Bean Supper” had their tires slashed in what some are calling the beginning of a cult turf war.
Experts caution using the label “Cult” as most cults have some plan or goal in mind. The “Red Hat's” one leading expert says, “Seem only to be bent on destruction”. A better description might be “Sorority of mass destruction”. Police are urging caution and vigilance as there are many Red Hatter sleeper cells in our communities.