Thursday, October 26, 2006

The one where Chad tells a Halloween story.


Marcus slowly crept down the hall and headed towards his kitchen. He had heard the refrigerator door open and close. He had also clearly heard one of his mismatched dining room chairs slide across the floor. He was not alone. There was a stranger in his home. In his hands Marcus held the aluminum baseball bat his dad got him for his 10th birthday. It struck him odd that a gift given 20 years ago would still be paying off. In the 22 feet he traveled from his bed to the hall he had made the decision, he would hit whomever was in his house. He would aim the bat at the head of the intruder, swing and with any luck, split his skull wide open.


He reached the end of the hall and hugged the wall closely. Marcus tried to listen for whomever was in his kitchen. All he could hear was the pounding of his heart in his ears. “Ok”, he thought to himself, “This will be easy, you've seen it done a million times on T.V.”. Gripping the baseball bat tightly he screwed up the courage he believed he had. He counted in his mind.


“One”, he gripped the bat even tighter.


“Two”, he took a deep breath.


“Three”, an image of Danny Glover ran through his head.


Waaahhh, Marcus sprang into the kitchen with the power and fury of a mid level comic book hero and looked for his target. He looked to his left, his muscles tensed; no one there. To his right now, ready to attack; no one there either. It was immediately apparent there was no longer anyone there. The only combatant in the room was himself. All that appeared out of the ordinary to Marcus was that some of the contents of his refrigerator were on the table, and the back door swung freely and open. The intruder had left.

With the bat still clenched in his hands and adrenalin coursing through his veins he shakily made his way to the Table. If there was a crime, this was the scene. Marcus looked down at the table and this is what he saw.


Laid out on a small plate was what had once been a whole hot dog. The insides had been cored out, disemboweled with a potato peeler that was now neatly placed beside the plate. It lay there on the plate, next to a pile of its innards, staring at him. Staring. The frankfurter looked at him with dead black eyes. Black eyes he deduced that had been drawn on with a Sharpie he could now see resting to the side of the plate. He stepped closer and noticed that now, that not only was the hot dog starring but was also smiling. It had a sick, mad, happiness to it. The Sharpie had been used to not only decorate the hot dog but it also had been used to write a note, a note that Marcus now reached for. His hands shook with fear and anticipation as he picked up the note. He read the message to himself. Puzzled he looked back at the smiling, bored out hot dog. He read the note again, and once again. Still the hot dog smiled.


“Happy Hollow Weeny.”


Was all it said.


** I borrowed an idea from my Grandfather for this one**

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The one where Chad and Chase make a video

Chase and I did this flicker show for NBC's "It's Your Show" I uploaded a week ago and it never got put up. Well, I uploaded again because the entry ends tomorrow. I figure that will end up not getting posted too. I put it on youtube and that surely means I get disqualified because of what probably is a TOS violation. Friggin NBC. Oh, it is a contest to remake the intro to "Knight Rider". Send it around. We worked hard and won't end up winning because that my luck.









Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Fake News by Chad #13 Early Halloween edition!


Voters this November have many important choices to make. National representative seats, governorships, as well as countless local and regional choices must be voted on. According to Chad Nule of Hell, Michigan the most important decision is proposition 6, commonly known as the “dead rights” amendment. The controversial citizen initiative would allow for equal rights across the board for all those who have slipped the surly bonds of earth.


“Up until now, the dead have been unfairly discriminated against” says Nule. “The dead are not allowed to own property, become married, adopt children or even have pets. In a country as great as ours why would we in 2006 still hold to these archaic social conditions?”
The amendment if passed, would treat the dead as equals to you and I. Unless you are gay. Those dying will no longer have to arrange for funerals, wills, or pay for increasing after death costs. The dead will be allowed to stay in their homes, go to work and school and live their lives as they see fit.

The amendment goes so far as to allow the living to marry the dead. Opponents to the issue are quick to point out the problem in this. Todd Eberson comments, “Uh, if the voters approve, any living person today could go to an existing cemetery, dig up a corpse, go to the nearest Justice of the Peace and get married. Those kinds of special rights are, well, just frigging messed up”


Chad rebuts, “This issue is not about the dead getting special rights. Thats just not the case. The amendment is about protecting the rights. We want to make sure everyone has the same rights after death as they had before death. If Joe Office Worker gets hit by a car today, why does he have to lose his job? It's not his fault he got killed.”

*The report went on further but I got thinking about it and puked up hot dogs

Sunday, October 22, 2006

More fake ads

Fake Craigslist ads. I should just put them up.

For Sale - Hopes and Dreams

This is a SALVAGE sale with NO Guarantee! These items will be DOA it's up to you to fix or repair. The Hopes have been dashed and need a lot of work. The dream has been shattered but was a big dream and quite interesting when new. I will also throw in a broad vision that is still pretty clear. Remember these are broken or damaged hopes and dreams but if you've got ample desire you should have no problem putting them back together.



Wanted -

Will the guy who stole my car please bring it back. I need the bodies that are in the trunk. At least take them out before they start to stink. If I ever get the car back I don't want it stinking like dead old lady.



Missed connections-

Dude who wants his old lady parts. My neighbor's dog got in the car and made a mess of the bodies, do you still want them or should I just dump them?

Business opportunity-

Want to make more money? Currently looking for suckers to give me money in trade for a pack of lies and some sketchy past expiration Herbal supplements. Previous bamboozlement not needed. Applicants with healthy ignorance and naive show preference. Make as much money as I want to!

Wanted

Would the guy who told my fat neighbor she looked good in the Lycra bike shorts please rescind his comment. My dogs won't get off the porch to pee.

Wanted
Information leading to the arrest and conviction of my Ex-Girlfriend. She must be guilty of something. Help a brother out.

The one where Chad takes us for a ride

I thought it would be fun to shoot my commute. So, I did. I wanted to speed it up so that it took only 30 seconds to show the 13 mile trip, problem was it was so quick that it didn't look good. I compromised and its 1:34. The trip is quick and it looks kind of cool. A fun game would be to count the oncoming cars you see. You can do it on two hands I bet. The camera is on the dash of my Jeep, sandwiched between a radar detector and a bag of Captain Black's Gold pipe tobacco.







Friday, October 20, 2006

The one where Todd does a lame Top Ten List

Top Ten notes left for your child at the open house.

10. Try hard, but not too hard. When your mamma talked me into lettin' you get some skoolin' I toll'd her yes, on account of his chores don't suffer.

9. I wonder if Barry Manilow knows that your teacher raids his wardrobe.

8. Remind me to explain what a "trial separation" is.

7. (if son's name is Ira) I just wanted you to know that you've always been my favorite. But don't tell Ira.

6. Try to maintain a C average buddy! I don't want to have to sell you to a research lab, like your other brother Jimmy. (or some other made-up name)

5. Your effort is for SHIT! You've got to win, WIN! I won't tolerate any LOSERS in this family!

4. Remember what I said? If you get straight A(s) Dad will let you smoke his pipe, after all, you earned it.

3. Your teacher is a real (C word) no wonder you come home all stressed out. P.S. Don't let her read this.

2. I taped a piece under the back of the toilet in the last stall down for you. The next time Bobby Hinton gives you a swirly, you give him 2 in that hat for his trouble.

1. Don't forget your pants again.

DISCLAIMER: In an effort to maintain the PG13 rating here at Plan 4, I would like to clarify, that the "C" word stands for "Collegegraduate", an insult used around my house to describe stupid people with a college degree. I also refer to them as the "B" word which stands for "Barista" since that is the occupation of many a C word.

A conversation insert I often use:

Other person: My daughter just got her masters degree in Art History.
Me: Which Starbucks is she working at?
Other person: Actually it's a Bruggers Bagel on Comm. Ave next to Barnes and Noble.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

The one where Chad talks about conversation inserts

Conversation inserts.

I'm a big fan of questionable conversation inserts. I use them all the time. It's something that is said that is almost not meant to be heard. It's just weird enough to cause people to do a mental double take. Here is an example.

Someone says this,
Someone - Oh man, yeah, you'd do that and end up arrested.
Me – Uh, I can't have that again.

Someone - ...I just felt really uncomfortable you know?
Me – Yeah, like that time I got caught being to close to the school...

Someone – Ok, I'm going to go see Allen now.
Me – Don't tell him you saw me

Someone – I just picked up the new Bon Jovi CD
Me – I'm not allowed to...courts order.

On another note. I attended the annual “Open House” at my kids school. My brother in law and I have kids in the same class. While we were in the classroom we were instructed to take one of the supplied sheets of paper and write a little note to our child. It should be something nice the teacher said. “Your doing great, keep up the good work” etc. The words of wisdom would be read to them in class. Our minds went straight to these kinds of statements. Keep in mind the kids are 5.

“Yeah, well, you let me down again. Thanks...”
“I shouldn't expect much from you...”
“Your not trying hard enough...”

The caper I thought was this.
“Whatever...”
We are horrible dads.

The one where Chad talks...and then I puked up hotdogs


Sometimes in life we say something we think will be interesting or funny to someone and it doesn't quite fly. I think I've developed a solution. Call it a “comedic parachute”. Here is how it works.


I tell say, D.B. Cooper a story about the time I backed into someones car at the mall. I think its funny but it gets kind of lost in translation. Before it's to late, I pull the “comedic parachute rip chord”.


Me - “So that's what happened when I backed into the car at the mall”
DB- “Oh”
Me - “Uh, (here comes the parachute) ...Then I puked up hot dogs.”
DB - “OH GROSS MAN Ha Ha Ha”


See, I saved it by making the absurd image of me throwing up hot dogs chunks. Sure it possibly is a lie, but for the sake of the moment, its a good thing. This works for blog posts too. I think I might go back and take some of my old posts and spice them up a little with "...then I puked up hot dogs".
I like the hot dog puke because it's really happened to me. I have two true stories that end with “...then I puked up hot dogs.”


You can use “...then I puked up hot dogs” or you can make one of your own. For instance,
“...Then I sneezed and pissed my pants”
“...Then I burped and puked a little”
“...Then I sharted”
“...Then I bent over to pick something up and I split my pants”

Crrrap, someday when I have Plan 4 T-shirts wouldn't this look cool? "Plan 4...then I puked up hot dogs" I CLAIM IT!

More video soon, almost done with the one for NBC's video thing. I shot my entire comute to work today and I'm going to speed it up so it only takes 30 seconds to playback. Also working on Lockjaw Frasier and something else.

Overall, today's post isn't that good I guess...and then I puked up hot dogs.

The one where Chad talks Lost

The first two episodes of Lost have been good, but haven't quite had me on the edge of my seat. Last night was certainly different. It had the right amount of “personal” story (which is what I think the writers care about) and a little of the Island story (which is what hooked me in the beginning). Without giving anything away, all the featured players had great moments and the acting was some of the best. I was hoping for a home run last night and I think Locke pulled it off. His “vision” scene was brilliant. The Island mystery moments were fun, but I just don't think its going to be real story. I also don't think even half of it will ever be explained. I'm trying not to be hooked by them but last night had one that involved Hurley and Desmond, I can't wait for more on that one.





Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The one where Chad does some creative writing

I walked out into the cold, stinging winter air and realized I had made a mistake. Where did I go wrong? What choices could I have made differently?
Even as I walked down the street towards the T station I began to feel eyes starring at me. Did they know? Did they have some sense into the turmoil I faced before I left the house? Was that woman who was now starring at me; judging me because of my one poor choice?

I looked away from the woman's glare and glanced across the icy street only to catch the eyes of two men , one tall, one short, loading boxes into a delivery truck. I could tell, by the slight lift in his chin that the shorter of the men was about to shout at me. I already knew what the words would say. He would be pointing out my mistake, my lapse in judgment.

I looked away and braced myself but could not completely shut out his angry words. Through the cold morning air they shot like frosty daggers across the street and into my chilled ears.

“Hey ya jackass! Put on some friggin pants, nobody wants to see your frostbitten junk out he'ah”

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The one where Chad is still sick and once again posts a stinker

Tuesday, 17th 2006

I'm having a hard time finding anything to write about. I'm at the point where I have been tempted to write about people I work with. Good idea? No, It'll get me fired. Just let it be known that the reason I don't write about work or the people at work is that it will get me fired.

I'm also tempted to write about politics. Maine is having a Gubernatorial election this year. Let me just say this about the candidates. They are all equally uninteresting and uninspiring. None of them claim to want to do anything outstanding. They all speak with the same words, just in different order. Here's why I don't dig on politics. The people you'd like to see running for office are not the type of people to want power in the first place.

I think we should have the same governmental structure we have now, but I think we should fill all the slots with a lottery. Kind of a political draft. Picture this, you get a letter in the mail. “Congratulations, you've been chosen to be president. This offer not valid until signed. “

A computer could spit out the entire government in a few seconds. Someone sends off the letters and wham, a random sampling of every walk of life. Some with high school educations, some with no education, some completely devoid of all cognitive ability. I'm sure we would run into problems where people who were dead, family pets or prisoners would be selected. Of course people would get sick of it and half the government would go home because we have a lazy populace. Whatever, that stuff happens. It's a beautiful picture. One that makes me weep. Weep on ye political dreamer. Weep on.

Monday, October 16, 2006

The one where Chad is still sick and posts anyway

I've been starring at this empty text field for a while now. I tried to get my creative juices flowing by doing a google image search for some cool G.I. Joe toys. I searched for some, but as cool as they were it just didn't happen for me.

Why is it sickness never makes you have enjoyable symptoms? You never hear anyone say, "I got a cold and whenever I cough I smell turkey cooking" or "I had a wicked headache but when it was gone my vision was corrected."
I'm sick and my stomach feels like some bored kid is inside of it and he's jabbing a sharp stick into the lining of my gut. He's just sitting there, he could leave and go do something else but he's just jabbing that stick. Friggin kid.
I was waiting for my stomach to act up. I've had nose grease draining down my throat for a week. Eventually the food hole says "nuh ah" to that much grossness.

Ok, I need to go do something else now.

*edit* 7:30 Turns out it wasn't a lazy kid poking me in the stomach wall, it was some bananna. I feel somewhat better now.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

The one where Chad does a clip show

The "clip show". That's what tv people do when they don't have anything else or they are still sick. Here are my three favorite Youtube clips that we made. Todd will say, "Hey, why didn't you include more of mine? Make your own damn clip show!
1. The Last Dance. A short me and Todd did. It's ok. Count how many movies we ripped off.
2. The Crying Indian. A very well done spoof on the old Crying Indian PSA
3. The mouse. A plan 4 classic.








Here is a fourth. A nice documentary on where Mr. Vintage came from.