Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The one where Chad becomes a doctor

Chad's guide to avoiding the H5N1 form of Avian Influenza
These are proven and effective ways of doing stuff and things.

1. Avoid eating duck fecal material. Wild birds all over the world carry the virus in the intestines.
2. Avoid cock fights unless you properly clean and disinfect your cock.

3. Avoid open air markets where both large and small breasts are exposed all day.

4. I suspect a government conspiracy that starts with the Aflac duck. If your company has supplemental health insurance provided by Aflac, your in trouble. Same goes for Ben Affleck.

5. Don't let a duck hunting dog lick your face. They lick ducks and butts.

6. Don't let the greenie meat eaters fool you. Free range chickens can get the heeby jeeby virus too.

7. Don't go to China to get your chicken.

8. If you raise chickens, do not allow them to socialize with wild ducks and geese. Warn them about goosing and teach your chicks that there is no such thing as safe ducks.

9. Don't share needles with anything fowl.

10. Have a hatchet ready in case a community wide poultry slaughter becomes necessary.

11. Rob Cockerham is safe. And very very cool.

Stay tuned for the Hanta virus, SARS and Monkey pox updates.

Wow, I really went out of bounds with #2. I didn't have to go there but I did.

1 comment:

Todd said...

SHERMER, IL -- Local resident John Bender was released from the Shermer Medical Center today after a week of recovering from the injuries sustained last Saturday, when he was jumped and had his dick knocked in dirt, a real ass-kicking. From out of nowhere an a man in a suit with no tie jumped him and began pummeling him. When reached for comment Mr. Bender recounts, "I was just walking home from the pump station that I work at, minding my own buisness, just wrapped up in my own pathetic life, and out of nowhere this guy starts yelling about how screws don't just fall out, and he starts beating me down with a crowbar, I just blacked out after a few minutes of trying to fight back, and I woke up in the hospital." On a lighter note, Mr. Bender, after his near fatal beating has had a moment of "clarity" if you will. He realised he had been wasting his life and is going into rehab to kick a 20 year addiction to pot. And as soon as he gets out he plans to patch things up with his estranged wife, Claire. We all certainly wish them the best.