Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Fake news by Chad! #1 Red Hatters

It was a blur of red, purple and orange when a local chapter of “The Red Hat Society” allegedly attacked a group of Hare Krishna's while they were handing out leaflets in the Bangor International Airport. The women, sporting what some considered “red and purple gang colors”approached and surrounded the unwary men. Without word or provocation the women jumped the peaceful Krishna's with what one witness called “a can of middle aged whoop ass”.

Air port security did not immediately break up the fighting as they were unsure of what sorts of religions were represented in the fray and were wary of infringing on the rights of the individuals involved.
“I saw a woman in a red hat approach me.” Mumbled one Krishna “ I reached out to give her a pamphlet called 'Religious Soup' and all of the sudden she swung a purple handbag and smashed my jaw.”
In fact the broken jaw was only the beginning of the injures the non violent men would suffer. All together the “Life experienced women” broke eight fingers, fractured 1 skull, smashed three knee caps and inflicted untold scratches, cuts and bruises before the security guards were able to control the situation
Gladys Smith, the only woman carrying a purple bag claimed she was bringing her son a purse full of cement and thought the Krishna's were some kind of karate men who were attacking her.
Casandra Jenkins claimed it was “hot flashes” that drove her to beat one member of the Krishna's, 24 year old Bobby Sewall of Belfast, with a set of brass knuckles.
“Well, Hot flashes come and go” she said “It's very uncomfortable”
Bobby Sewall did not comment as he was rendered unconscious by a blow from Linda Allen's combat boots. Linda Allen claimed they were “Orthopedic Shoes” that she needed to wear to keep her feet from swelling.
This is not the first act of violence by the “Red Hat Society”. Just last month a group of red hatters stormed and ransacked a Scientologist church and one week before attendants at a Masonic Temple “Bean Supper” had their tires slashed in what some are calling the beginning of a cult turf war.
Experts caution using the label “Cult” as most cults have some plan or goal in mind. The “Red Hat's” one leading expert says, “Seem only to be bent on destruction”. A better description might be “Sorority of mass destruction”. Police are urging caution and vigilance as there are many Red Hatter sleeper cells in our communities.

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